Sometimes I think, I’m tired and I don’t want to think about this!  Really I am not tired.  It’s not the thinking I don’t want to do, it’s the feelings that I want to avoid.  So maybe if I take a nap…

My parents:  They are very hard to think about even though my father has passed away and my mother prefers to ignore me. But it isn’t today that bothers me as much as the past.  Today I live my life.  There is a little blank spot where I wish I had a mother to call and talk about my life but that’s all.  It’s the past that is hard.

Trust:

A childhood without trust.  No trust to be taken care of.  No trust that I could leave a toy out and still have it when I got back.  No trust that the rules would be the same today as yesterday. No trust that a temper tantrum would not be taken out on me.  Yelling and screaming that I could not think through. Punishment beyond the crime.  No understanding that I was a child with out answers adults wanted to hear. No trust to go to an adult and ask for advice.   No trust that I was loved.  I was not.  I was a possession.  I was owned.

Joy:

There is a profound lack of joy when I look back. Children live in the moment till they are 8 or 9 years old.  The wonder they can have at all the new experiences.  Life is new, exciting and fun.  Learning is fun.  The joy of childhood at my house was consumed by the adults through lies, screaming, punishments, fear, drugs and alcohol.

I don’t think about this often anymore.  Thankfully I’ve grown passed it and so can you.  I gave it some thought through my recovery from surgery because I had myself a little pit party.

Be a hero.  Be your own hero!  You spent all those years on a raging river of emotions; refuse to be that person.  Use all that strength to be authentic and to be a little vulnerable.  Not easy my friend.  I know.  But possible.  Imagine it for yourself and proceed to go there. Find the joy and trust in your life today.  You deserve it just like every other creature on earth.  Say it with me  “I deserve to find trust, love and joy in my life today”

Namaste, XOXO  Annie

Its been a long road to recovery.  And I didn’t realize that the last post was the morning of my surgery.  I was terrified.  I was angry all over again!  Doctors telling me I could be paralyzed or even die. My neck had deteriorated to the point of daily neck spasms that were so disorienting as to be frightening. I was starting to miss work because of headaches.

I ended up with a spinal cord bruise which sounds awful however, in the end I find I am grateful that it was all that I have had to deal with.  This will take a couple of years to heal, but yes, it would heal.  I have gone from wheel chair, to walker to cane, to just walking fine.  I only have one speed, but it works. And yes, I have some very whiny crabby days.  No saint here  🙂

Already I am up to walking two miles a day at least three times a week.  My dog Simon loves it.  Please don’t tell him I called him a dog.  HAHA! My upper body strength is not what I would like it to be, but I’m working on it.  I’m no longer in physical therapy.  AND most importantly of all; I AM OFF ALL THE DRUGS. All of my medical providers are happy with my progress.

Now that you have the back ground I would like to tell you what I have learned.  Life goes on. You can lay in bed and wait for a miracle or you can get up and make your own.  I was in the hospital for three weeks.  I saw people who would not get up out of bed.  Too hard they said.

I spent the first 1/3 of my life being abused, being splintered to bits by my parents.  I spent the next 1/3 of my life taking my heart, my soul, my brain, my will and my body back!   Back!Today I realize this is the last frontier of my life.  I am finally whole.  What was broken may always have a scar, but its not broken any more.  I also realized it doesn’t have to take so long. Get out of your mental bed. Yes its hard.  Its worth it.

Get up in the morning and look in the mirror, tell yourself the truth of who you are.  A beautiful, loving, caring human being.  Tell that person staring back at you in the mirror that life is too short to waste fussing over what others expect of you when you expect so much of yourself.  Its important.  Its true. YOU are indeed a marvel and a miracle.

Why me?  Why not me?  If you won a million in the lottery would your cry out, Why Me? Things happen in life that we have no control over, some good some bad and some things that don’t matter at all.  You can make yourself crazy with that question.  Find the stillness in your heart.  Go there.  That’s peace.  We survivors don’t know what it looks like unless we are told.  It isn’t giddy happiness every day.  It’s the stillness inside us that we seek and never recognize.

Look in the mirror.  Affirm your very special strength and obvious love of life.  Be at peace.

I’m back!  The radio show will be back up in a couple of weeks!  Great things ahead! Stay tuned! Tell your friends!

Namaste  Annie

What to say!  I’ve been horribley sick.  All nerves.  Nothing wrong with me.  I’m at my daughters house, we had my favorite dinner of Corned Beef  Yum.  Orange Jello cake  ( I know I Know I am going to be sick of jello I am told.) I could barely eat it.  But I assure you it was all delish!

Leaving the house at 4:00 AM  Arrive OHSU 530.  Surgery at 730.  5-6 hours later I will have a new neck! New future!  

Yes I am indeed nervous, but confident!  Its been a roller coaster.  Not in my hands any more.

So  I’m off to bed.  My son will post after the surgery for me and let you all know whats going on and how it went.

I do so want to thank everyone for their well wishes, thoughts and prayers.  It helps to know so many people are in my corner.  At a time that could be so dark you have all brought in the light.

Love and hugs and I will check in with you in a few days…    Namaste  Annie

Surgery is scheduled in Portland and so on March 12, for better or worse life will change.  I’m of course banking on for better.  I have a terrific team there and so I am feeling very confident. 

Its been difficult to  say the least, to keep up with all my social media. Pinterest, Twitter, Facebook, Facebook Group, the Radio show and of course this blog and taken a hit.  Doctor Appointments and travel to accomdate all that has been a trial.  I was caught in the ice and snow storm up in Portland a few short weeks ago.  Then the next trip an avalance closed the only road in to my daughters house where I stay for all these doctor appointments.  And then…. as if all of that was not enough they had an alternate road to go around the avalanche with a head on collision that closed it closed it for hours.  Its been a wicked winter!

I am having three cadaver bones to replace three disc in my throat and  a titanium plate. The other three disc will be cleand up.  I will  be an in-patient 3-4 days, convalence at my daughters for two weeks, then, the long drive home (my son is driving not me, I will be drugged)  for another 6 weeks.  Physical therapy after that.   Sounds grueling doesn’t it? 

My Life?  Four things were stolen from me as a kid. 

*1-My Child Hood *2-My brain ie. thought processes  *3-my spirituality and with time  *4-the past physical trauma to a small body began to show.

Ten plus years of therapy/couseling/group etc. to get my brains in order to learn to trust my thoughts to just find peace in my own head.. I spent a few more years working on my spirituality.  I was angry with God. Yes I sure was! Angry, disappointed and abandoned. I had to learn to find peace in my own heart.  My childhood memories have most often been the good ones returned to me through old friends that through the magic of internet media found me.  I would never have reconnected with them had there been no internet.  My children showed me how to be a child in so many ways, including a Mother~Daughter slumber party when they discovered I’d never had on as a kid.  They planned it and it was so fun.  Now I have a memory. 

This is the final leg.  I am getting my body back.   All these long years of problems from beatings, repeated rape and abuse have come to a head.

Surgery: The Final Frontier.  I am taking my body back.  I will be whole.  I am blessed, and Life Is Good!  XOXO  Annie 

I have been very absent lately and I guess it is time to let you all know I appreciate the inquiries, thoughts and prayers.  Those of you familiar with my book and my story are aware that I have had neck issues for quite some time. It is actually the opener for my book! The pain has become progressively worse the last 18 months as has the deterioration.  My neck spasm causing me to be pretty much unable to move till it passes, there are other issues but I won’t drag all that out here.

So I have gone from Ortho Docs, Physical therapist, to neurologist, and now to a Neurosurgeon.

I can opt not to have the surgery.  That will leave me ultimately addicted to pain meds and handicapped in ways I can’t bring myself to dwell on.  So saying no is not an option.

In the morning I am making the 5 hour drive to Portland’s Oregon Health and Science University for my second visit with the surgeon.  There are only two places in Oregon who can perform the repair I need, OHSU is one.  The staff there has been incredible.  So…  I see the Docs Thursday and get the dates and all the details I’ve been dreading to take this forward.

They will be using several cadaver bones, plates etc.,  It’s extensive.  I won’t be sporting the usual scar hidden in a neck line wrinkle.  I will be from just under my jaw to the front at my neckline. If I understood at the last visit C-3-4-5 and 6 will be replaced with cadaver bone, fused and then the will work on the back.  Whew! Pretty risky stuff.  Scary stuff!

I’ve been seeing doctors, getting test and seeing a counselor and my pastor.  I discovered I was angry all over again at the beatings from childhood and the continued indifference of my mother.  I’ve had to face some fear concerning the outcome of all this.  I discovered that I was feeling pretty alone!  And, horrors, I have been feeling vulnerable.  Tough things for us survivors.  Especially to feel vulnerable, exposed and at risk.  I have to trust strangers to do the right thing.  I know you get that!

I didn’t want to discuss it here until I felt strong, confident.  I don’t know what the next year is going to hold for me.  But I will be OK.  I promise to post daily, keep you informed.  Please know I am feeling pretty strong as I write this.  Please pray I stay that way!  Please promise to keep me in your thoughts.  AND never ever beat a child, it could last them the rest of their life.   XOXO  Annie O Sullivan

Follow the link to December 13 show with writer/musician Michael Skinner

Michael reads The Silence of Suicide

This is a powerful read.  You wont want to miss it.  Also listen to 930 Train, one of his musical peices that can be found at :

http://www.mskinnermusic.com  for more music and then on to 

http://www.survivingspirit.com where you can find a wealth of resources and sign up for his news letter!

Can You Hear Me Now – Radio Show Every Friday @ 6 Pacific Time