Sometimes I think, I’m tired and I don’t want to think about this! Really I am not tired. It’s not the thinking I don’t want to do, it’s the feelings that I want to avoid. So maybe if I take a nap…
My parents: They are very hard to think about even though my father has passed away and my mother prefers to ignore me. But it isn’t today that bothers me as much as the past. Today I live my life. There is a little blank spot where I wish I had a mother to call and talk about my life but that’s all. It’s the past that is hard.
A childhood without trust. No trust to be taken care of. No trust that I could leave a toy out and still have it when I got back. No trust that the rules would be the same today as yesterday. No trust that a temper tantrum would not be taken out on me. Yelling and screaming that I could not think through. Punishment beyond the crime. No understanding that I was a child with out answers adults wanted to hear. No trust to go to an adult and ask for advice. No trust that I was loved. I was not. I was a possession. I was owned.
There is a profound lack of joy when I look back. Children live in the moment till they are 8 or 9 years old. The wonder they can have at all the new experiences. Life is new, exciting and fun. Learning is fun. The joy of childhood at my house was consumed by the adults through lies, screaming, punishments, fear, drugs and alcohol.
I don’t think about this often anymore. Thankfully I’ve grown passed it and so can you. I gave it some thought through my recovery from surgery because I had myself a little pit party.
Be a hero. Be your own hero! You spent all those years on a raging river of emotions; refuse to be that person. Use all that strength to be authentic and to be a little vulnerable. Not easy my friend. I know. But possible. Imagine it for yourself and proceed to go there. Find the joy and trust in your life today. You deserve it just like every other creature on earth. Say it with me “I deserve to find trust, love and joy in my life today”
Namaste, XOXO Annie