Depression is epidemic in Survivors. I suffer too.
It sneaks up on me sometimes. Most times I can feel it coming, oppressive, heavy and dark. I should feel happy, what’s wrong? I whisper back that I don’t know. It’s like lead. My arms are heavy and so are my thoughts. It takes such effort to move. Sitting in a silent house makes it easy to brood. I turn off the music and sit. Music usually lifts my spirits. Now its just loud noise. The more I stay in the more I want to stay in and the harder it gets to leave. My world of colors and laughing are blunted. My hard won peace, gone. Energy gone. Its not the loss of happiness, its the loss of vitality. Depression is tiredness and anger.
Depression is an illness of loneliness, feeling isolated, of being alone, of being cut off from everyone and everything even when you are surrounded. Depression is smiling because you are supposed to.
Depression tortures you every day with the idea that you suffer and somehow I ought to be able to do something about it and I can’t. Over the years I have struggled with depression often. Sometimes it is worse than others. This time of year can be brutal for survivors. I’ve been here to this dark place many times before.
Exercise, diet, rest….. As I remind myself, I remind you as well, sometimes you need more help and shouldn’t go it alone. Depression is more than faulty thinking. Call someone. Talk to someone. It’s not permanent. I am going to do just that, first thing in the morning. I will make myself pick up the phone.
Signs and symptoms of depression include:
- Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
- Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.
- Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
- Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
- Anger or irritability. Feeling agitated, restless, or even violent. Your tolerance level is low, your temper short, and everything and everyone gets on your nerves.
- Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.
- Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.
- Reckless behavior. You engage in escapist behavior such as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, reckless driving, or dangerous sports.
- Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
- Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain. http://www.helpguide.org
- When you’re feeling extremely depressed or suicidal, your problems don’t seem temporary—they seem overwhelming and permanent. But with time, you will feel better if you reach out for help. If you are feeling suicidal, know that there are many people who want to support you during this difficult time, so please reach out for help!
In his own words
I am currently finalizing the book. I also speak on the issue of the effect of sexual abuse and pornography on boys as they grow into manhood.
The issue of the sexual abuse of women is a topic that has managed to come mainstream and is being addressed, but the issue of the sexual abuse of men, particularly by women is something that is still a taboo or is met with ridicule.
I want to help give voice to the millions of silent men, to help them with a vocabulary to discuss the issues they face.
Follow the link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/can-you-hear-me-now-annie-osullivan/2014/12/19/author-of-no-working-title–a-life-in-progress
I hear so often from survivors, and I was once guilty myself, “I am not who I am supposed to be!” Who do you think that was? Whats wrong with who you are now?
I myself was brought up short with that question when I was lamenting to a counselor, “Look at my life! It’s ruined!”
Who were you supposed to be except happy, able to love and be loved and at peace? You have always been that person. You just got a little lost on the trail because of lies and deceit. Get up, get back on the road with your new map and move forward.
Just be yourself, embrace all the parts of yourself. Sit quietly this morning for just a minute and tell yourself, your inner child, “Your abuser is a criminal who lied to you. You are loved and you can be at peace.”
CANCER inCYTES is a public health e-magazine that discusses the healthcare needs of disadvantaged populations. The uniqueness of Cancer InCytes is its focus on the link between cancer and social injustice, producing and discussing the latest research on this subject. Our articles become training material for law enforcement, advocates, clinicians, scientists, social workers, and your next-door neighbor. Connecting childhood trauma, disease risk, and social injustice.
Managing Editor: David H. Nguyen, Ph.D.
Volume 2, Issue 2, Winter 2013
TWICE AS STRONG
BY BARBARA AMAYA
Child abuse at home sent Barbara Amaya on her way to the streets of New York City, where she endured nine years as a trafficked child. Surviving the routine of rapes, beatings, and drugs she somehow found her way into a new life. But that past did not leave her alone, resurfacing as one medical problem after another, including endometrial cancer. Today, Barbara is a double survivor whose voice carries twice as far.
It Started When I was 12
It has been a little over a year since I broke my silence about having been a sex-trafficked child. I spent decades keeping all of my traumas deep inside. Keeping secrets can sometimes make you sick.
The summer I turned 12, I ran away from home after being abused under that roof. I ran away and was found on the streets of Washington D.C. by a couple that groomed me for prostitution and then sold me to a New York trafficker. I spent my youth growing up while being trafficked on the streets of New York. My pimp controlled every aspect of my life. As I grew older, I attempted to escape his control, but I was never successful.
Being raped, robbed, beaten and jailed became my daily routine. I saw no hope, and at age 15 I was introduced to heroin by another young girl on the streets. The drugs numbed me to the terrible reality of my existence. But because my pimp did not control the drugs, his violence became even more horrific. I would manage to escape from him and hide out for two or three days, only to be tracked down by him and beaten severely. This was my existence, unbeknownst to my clients or exacerbated by them.
At the age of 19, my pimp seemed to magically disappear. I found out only recently he was taken to prison on weapons and drug charges, although I did not know it at the time.
I believe in every person is a will to survive. For me, that spark still remained though I felt and looked like a walking zombie. One day, I walked into a drug clinic on Manhattan’s east side and my life changed. That day was really the day my life began because of a special counselor who took an interest in me. She located my family back in Virginia and I was reunited with them, never to return to the streets of New York. I slowly tried my best to put my life together with a 6th grade education and no job skills. The task was a daunting one.
One evening over a year ago, I watched a newscast about trafficked teens in my neighborhood and realized that I had to help make a difference. I had the classic epiphany moment. Thus began my advocacy work and public speaking. In the last several months, I have shared my story 26 times in various venues from Princeton to youth camps, and the Rotary Club to the Methodist church. I’ve been on a mission to educate the public about what human trafficking is and how they can make a difference against it.
Dealing With Uterine Cancer
I recently realized that I’ve been leaving out an important part of my story, which I’ve finally decided to tell. When I became aware of how the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) studies applied to victims of human trafficking (1), I was inspired to tell my story of uterine cancer, which I’ve always believed was due to the sexual abuse that I endured.
I guess everything is relative, for me at least. After having survived the streets of New York for over 9 years, the news from my doctor that I had a severe form of uterine cancer was met by an atypical reaction: bring it on. I remember saying to that doctor, “I don’t want to die. And believe me, I will not.” Somehow, after surviving all the beatings, rapes, and incarcerations, I had been prepared for my battle with uterine cancer.
I had most likely been exposed to a number of risk factors that might have helped the cancer grow inside my uterus. While I am certainly not a doctor, I don’t think it’s far-fetched to think that I got the type of cancer that I did due to my history of sexual slavery. Because I was diagnosed with stage-two uterine cancer, I had to have three surgeries, a complete hysterectomy, and the removal of my cervix. I also barely escaped having radiation treatments. When I read the information on cancer.org and mayoclinic.org, I saw that I was not far off with my own thoughts and diagnoses. Research has shown that having more periods during a woman’s lifetime can raise her risk of endometrial (uterine) cancer (2). Young women who start their periods before age 12 have an increased risk of endometrial cancer compared to those who start later. I had my first menstrual cycle before I was ten years-old.
After I escaped from New York and began to piece my life together, I suffered from several medical conditions. People often don’t realize this, but I – like other trafficked children – did not receive medical or dental care the entire time I was growing up and being trafficked. I went from weighing 90 pounds to gaining massive amounts of weight. Research has shown that while the majority of a woman’s estrogen is made by her ovaries, fat tissue will change some other hormones into estrogens (3). Being overweight will increase a woman’s estrogen levels and increase her endometrial cancer risk.
After I was married and began to plan a family, I discovered that I was infertile due to the early trauma on my younger body. I went through surgery and was able to conceive. I develop diabetes while pregnant. Diabetes is common in women who are overweight. After the birth of my daughter, I began to experience very painful menstrual cycles. I was diagnosed with endometriosis, a painful condition where the lining of the uterus travels outside and bleeds monthly when a woman has her menstruation.
Would I have developed cancer if I had not been trafficked? Who knows? But I do know that my troubled health history is something that healthcare providers and researchers need to consider when they treat and study the needs of trafficking victims. I also know this: I believe that once a person has been through the fire of adversity and trauma, if they somehow manage to come through to the other side, if they make it, they are forged into something much stronger and even better than before.
So yes, I am a double survivor, if you will; a survivor of human trafficking and of cancer. The two of which I think are related, just like we know that certain forms of the human papilloma virus, a common sexually transmitted disease, causes cervical cancer (4). The risk factors for cancer throughout my story of trafficking are common among other children who are being trafficked today. I’ve lived through both of these horrific evils and I am stronger for having done so. I believe that I have gone through all I have in my life so that I can be here, now, educating and empowering others. And, I will continue doing my best to share my story of survival.
As for what the future brings, I say…bring it on! I am ready.
Barbara Amaya is an advocate against human trafficking. She tells her story through the first graphic novel written by a trafficking survivor, called “The Destiny of Zoe,” illustrated by John Mahomet. Learn more about her work at www.BarbaraAmaya.com.
1. Vincent J. Felitti. “Childhood trauma is linked to chronic diseases during adulthood.” Cancer InCytes. 2013, 2(1):e.
2. Veronica W. Setiawan et al. “Type I and II endometrial cancers: have they different risk factors?” Journal of Clinical Oncology. 2013, 31(20):2607-18.
3. Jongen VH, Hollema H, Van Der Zee AG, Heineman MJ. “Aromatase in the context of breast and endometrial cancer. A review.” Minvera Endocrinologica. 2006, 31(1):47-60.
Curious!? This is a one-time, single event show to discuss why what we are doing is so important to survivors of abuse and those who love and care about them. What do we talk about? Come hear how two girls talk about the unspeakable and let you walk away knowing its all OK to talk about! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain! WE have had writers, publishers, work out experts, diet experts, Relationship experts and many other advocates who are working to change the world into a better place in however small or large way they can!
Annie O’Sullivan and Kelly Behr have candid conversations concerning the past and much more importantly the future. Our guest have walked your road and come out the other side.
Working to INSPIRE, ENCOURAGE, EDUCATE, AND MENTOR FOR A BETTER TODAY AND TOMORROW!
Annie O’Sullivan, Author/Writer/Speaker, Can You…
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This is the page of activists. hours have been spent sending invites to other activist who say”what a great idea!” Less than 1% have sent photos. Liking and saying going isn’t going to change anything in the world. Action, making a visible statement will. These numbers reflect what we see and feel every day in society.
Apathy, fear of being connected to a heinous crime, and denial alive in our own survivor community? WE can’t pray it way. We have tried. We can’t make laws to end it. We have tried. One person can’t change it. We have tried that too.
Change and education will not happen unless we stand together and stand up. Power to change things for the next 6 million children who will join us as survivors in the next 12 months will not happen if we can not come together in the survivor community.
A duct tape photo tells the whole story without saying a word. It also allows those who simply support a movement to participate. I believe that in order to change the way things are, to get people the help they need and to see serious societal change we have to stop being invisible. We don’t need more law, we need more enforcement. WE need to stand together and make a statement.
April will be here before we know it. I believe we can do this. My video project may fall apart. But that will be OK if you are willing to at the very least make a statement on your FB page in April by posting a duct tape photo for the month.
LET’S GIVE EM SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT!