Toxic People?.

Yes I know them.  They are usually in the form of my family.  They suck the life out of me at every opportunity, drag my emotions into the mud under their oversized shoes which they will then use to kick me while I am down.  They are negative, manipulative, casting blame and they can somehow, while appearing and feeling quite justified turn a happy day into a living hell.

I beleive, based on years of my own therapy and group experiences, that all survivors have these people in their lives.  We tend to tolerate more than most people and we learned NOT to stick up for ourselves.  Me?   I was born to people who are very toxic to me and I tend to attract them.  Example:  I call my mother fairly regularly.  She does not, and has made it clear, she will not call me.  Then she proved it.  My step-father died and she didn’t call.  I found out and called her, then somehow felt guilty for not calling sooner or enough in the weeks that followed.  She made me feel so bad infact that I finally stopped calling her.

1. AVOIDANCE

Consider your options.  Do you have to deal with him or her? have you tried telling them how you feel?  Did they listen? Did they change anything?

2. BOUNDARIES

Toxic people will often use you, one way or another. The may complain to you all the time while you listen hopelessly (?), or they may constantly blame you, cause trouble, or siply continuously tell you everything that is worng with you and how you do not measure up.trouble.  WORD HERE is BOUNDARIES

Easy to say, not really so easy to execute.  But you simply must try and be kind to yourself.  It will get easier.  Like everything else in life, it takes practice.  We all gotta start somewhere.  As you can see I am still working on it.  But I am so much better than I used to be.

3. GUILT

The guilt you are feeling while practicing your boundaries is misplaced.  Do not take it on.  Its manipulating you.  (in this case at least)  Self talk might help here, or maybe a trusted friend who will surely be outraged at what was said to you.

Toxic people are very skilled at making others (you) feel guilty when they (again YOU) don’t do or get what what they want.

4.  Stop Defending yourself

They are not listening.   It is absolutely futile.  The more you defend the better they will get achieving their goal, which is manipulating you into action. You won’t get anywhere with them by defending yourself and your actions. They are not listening to you.

~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~NICE PEOPLE ARE FOUND BY TOXIC PEOPLE~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~

COMING EVENTS!.

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Something to share.

Happiness? Is it really as elusive as we think or is it STINKIN THINKIN?.

Happiness is a choice. 

I know! I know! I can hear the protest from here!

 You tell me ” I chose to be happy last night and this morning my life still sucks!”  You tell me, “I can’t be happy because this terrible thing happened to me!”     

I ask you to think hard.  You are unhappy because you have “stinkin thinkin.” WE LEARNED TO DO THIS.  It did nothing for our abusers to tell us what wonderful humans we are.  It didn’t serve their purpose.  I can tell you what I heard.

You don’t deserve to go to nice peoples houses. ~~~You don’t deserve new clothes.~~~You are selfish.~~~No one will believe you.~~You are inconsiderate.~~~You don’t think about anyone but yourself~~~You are too short, too fat, too dirty, too ugly too (fill in the blank with some negative)

Then I heard, If you tell, ~~~I will kill you~~~ Your mother will hate you~~~ Your brothers hate you already~~~  

I also heard ~~~Why would anyone believe you~~~ No one will believe you~~~~ everyone knows kids lie~~~ All your friends will hate you and they will make fun of you~~~ You are not like other kids.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?  For years I believed all this.  It made me unhappy.  I never gave myself the credit or consideration that I would have given any stranger on the street who told me they lived with these thoughts.  Is it the same for you?  If you heard a story so similar to your own would you say to that person, “You don’t deserve happiness! No Peace for you!”

Of course not.  That stinkin thinkin in your head…  whose voice is it really?  Listen…  it isn’t yours. 

Make the choice to be happy.  You can’t start working toward that goal till you make the choice and the decision.  You’re right.  You won’t get up tomorrow instantly happy, but I believe that the determination to work in that direction will make you feel a lot better and you know what?  One day you will wake up and be very happy.  I worked very hard.  I can tell you I once thought it was impossible. 

I choose happy every day.  So can you.  XOXO  Annie

We were kids.  The unthinkable happened.  Somehow we persevered, survived the early years that are supposed to be our childhood.  Somehow, looking back we see old photographs of ourselves smiling, taking our good times where we found them as only a child can.  We moved from moment to moment in survival mode, maybe you call it hyper alert, watchful, on guard.  We knew nothing else.  Whether it was violent or not, we watched.  We avoided.  We got snared in our perpetrators net anyway. 

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