TELLING IS HEALING, by Guest Malisia McKinney

17224_4748237220560_1852053975_n

I’ve often felt sadden when I heard of stories of men and women whom were physically and or sexually abused as children. I never considered the courage it took to come forward until I began to face the reality of my own childhood. At 34 my memories and the trauma from the abuse caught up with me. The world I had built for everyone to see started to crash and I could no longer pretend. I read stories about survivors because, in fact, I was one of them. Those stories were a link to a world I tried to keep secret,but, within those articles I found a little of myself in the story of each man and woman. Each story brought me closer to letting myself out of the cage my abusers had placed me in.

From the beginning the abuser gives us a crash course in keeping THEIR secret and what might happen if we tell . I was sexually and physically abused by my mother and other family members. My mother use to say to me, “If you tell anyone they will take you away and kill you. They will believe your evil and (you) made me do it! I grew up thinking people would hate me if I told.

When we hold the secrets of abuse it pours out to many aspects of our lives. For example. I was very distant in my relationships and often found myself alone.  This was due to holding in such deep emotional pain I was unable to give to anyone else. All my efforts were spent trying to just hold myself together.

I remember the first time I told. I was shaking on the inside and wondered if my world would end.  In fact, my world did end! My posture changed! I no longer had severe headaches! The world my abuser built for me came down and I slowly crawled out from the rubble. I began to grow into who I was meant to be before the abuse shadowed everything in my life. The best thing I have done for myself was come forward with my abuser’s secrets.

I stress the fact the secrets don’t belong to us. We did nothing wrong.

The abuser forms the bond of secrecy by making us believe we caused the abuse and/or we should protect them if we love them. I’m now 39 and looking back I see great change.  When I told my truth, my story and released myself from my abuser’s secrets I have grown into the woman I was meant to be.  I have been able to have a relationship for the first time.

Telling is healing. As long as I held the secrets I was unable to have emotions in fear all that I was holding in might burst out. The hardest thing for me was not loving another,but being loved. I didn’t believe I deserved to be loved like everyone else. I can honestly say 4 years after telling for the first time, I am able to receive love. As I write this tears of humbleness roll down my face.  At 39 for the first time I was able to lay my head in the lap of the one I love and sleep. It felt like the first real sleep I ever had. Being a survivor of abuse you struggle with being able to trust, that’s why it is so important to find a healthy support system. No, it’s not going to be easy, but I promise the outcome is worth the effort. If you at first don’t get what you need when you disclose the abuse keep telling until you find those who will listen.

It’s so important to have our pain validated because for so long we had to pretend it wasn’t happening to survive. Remember you are not alone there is a group of courageous men and women survivors on the same journey who will gladly take your hand and lead you out of that cage. We spent our childhood carrying someone else’s secrets and lies,but as adults we can unpack what doesn’t belong to us and embrace life on our terms without fear.            Malisia McKinney October 2014

Signs You are in an Abusive Relationship

 

64505_10151316768814939_381225920_nDeb pencil at home a

This article may appear to be geared toward men as abusers.  It is difficult sometimes to use gender free words.  Women can be just as guilty so please don’t miss the message.

1. Quick involvement.  He/she comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this before by anyone.” or “I’ve never felt like this about anyone before”  You get pressured for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

2. Jealous. Your partner is excessively possessive, calls constantly, or visits unexpectedly, accuses you of looking at others with great interest and scrutinizes every activity away from them and with them

3. Controlling. He/she interrogate you intensely about who you talked to and where you were; checks mileage on the car; keeps all the money or asks for receipts; insists you ask for permission to go anywhere or do anything, checks time in and out.

4. Very unrealistic expectations.  expects you to be the perfect person and meet their every need.

5. Isolating.  They will attempt to cut you off from family and friends; deprives you of a phone or car, or tries to prevent you from holding a job,complain about your job or hobbies that take you out of his control, struggles with the need for you to hold a job and their need to keep you isolated to themselves

6. Blames others for own mistakes. The boss, family, you – it’s always someone else’s fault if anything goes wrong.  Who ever is handy will get the blame.

7.  Everyone else is responsible for their feelings. The abuser says, “You make me angry” instead of “I’m angry.” “I wouldn’t get so p**** off if you wouldn’t…  Why do you have to do that?  Why did you make me do that?”

8. Overly Sensitive.  Is easily insulted, angered, hurt and will often rant and rave about injustices that are just part of life. Including feeling left out, un-friended, and unloved if not at the absolute center of the relationship

9. He/she is cruel to animals and children.  pushes animals brutally and unfairly. May expect children to do things beyond their ability, or tease them until they cry, lecture them beyond their year and ability to understand.

10. His/her “playful” use of force during sex.  Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will and may say they find the idea of rape exciting. Intimidates, manipulates, or forces you to engage in unwanted sex acts.

11. There is verbal abuse.  They constantly criticize you or says cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. He/she will use vulnerable points about your past/life against you.

12. There are rigid gender roles. He/She expects you to serve, obey, and remain at home when not required to be at your job.

13. Sudden mood swings.  switches from loving to angry in a matter of minutes.

14. History of battering. He admits to hitting women in the past, but states that they or the situation brought it on. Feels that they deserved it and so it is OK.

15. Threats  They makes statements such as, “I’ll break your neck,” but then dismisses it with “I really didn’t mean it.”

 

Annie O’Sullivan, Author of my Story “Can You Hear Me Now?” Available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble

 

We hold everything within ourselves to change our lives…

Profoundly simple and profoundly difficult.  Is it really just an idle thought on a Sunday night?  No! Not at all!

Consider this thought from Andrew Carnegie:

Any idea that is held in the mind, that is either feared, or revered, will begin at once to clothe itself in the most conveinient and appropriate form available….

Key words are feared and revered.  Why are both words key to us as survivors?  As children we feared and indeed revered our abuser(s)   They shaped our beliefs about ourselves. They controlled our belief of ourselves and to survive we clothed ourselves in the most conveinient and appropriate form available.  We also did it out of innocence.

What do you believe today?

It’s good to be back!  Annie

http://www.blogtalkradio.com

 

I AM NOT WHO I AM SUPPOSED TO BE!

I hear so often from survivors, and I was once guilty myself, “I am not who I am supposed to be!” Who do you think that was? Whats wrong with who you are now?

I myself was brought up short with that question when I was lamenting to a counselor, “Look at my life! It’s ruined!”

Who were you supposed to be except happy, able to love and be loved and at peace? You have always been that person. You just got a little lost on the trail because of lies and deceit. Get up, get back on the road with your new map and move forward.

Just be yourself, embrace all the parts of yourself. Sit quietly this morning for just a minute and tell yourself, your inner child, “Your abuser is a criminal who lied to you. You are loved and you can be at peace.”

Namaste~~~ AnnieGEDSC DIGITAL CAMERA

ARCHIVED SHOW! Rebecca Kimbel Msc.D, DTM ! One of 39 siblings born into a polygamist family, child rape, child trafficking and child brides. This woman has experienced it all.

In the Archive: Friday May 31, 2013. Rebecca Kimbel! Related to Warren Jeffs! If you don’t know her, I promise you will NEVER forget her. Listen in to find out how this affects us all. Click on the link below

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/can-you-hear-me-now-annie-osullivan/2013/06/01/can-you-hear-me-now-w-annie-osullivan-1

DSC01768 (2)

Rebecca Kimbel

Rebecca is dedicated to teaching people how to overcome the personal obstacles of generations of culturally induced fear, insecurity and ignorance which keeps them from activating their personal potential and magnificence.

She is well read in the subjects of theology, philosophy, psychology, and has accumulated many accolades and degrees (Msc.D, DTM , and others). Her favorite is her Doctorate in Metaphysical Science and her position as Area Governor for Toastmasters International. Toastmasters International awarded her Area Governor of the Year 2007, for outstanding Service and exceptional leadership

Annie O’Sullivan and Kelly Behr have candid conversations concerning the past and much more importantly the future. Our guest have walked your road and come out the other side.

Working to INSPIRE, ENCOURAGE, EDUCATE, AND MENTOR FOR A BETTER TODAY AND TOMORROW!

Your Hosts:

Annie O’Sullivan, Author/Writer/Speaker, Can You Hear Me Now? (Available at Amazon and Barnes & Noble online)

Kelly Behr, Motivational Speaker and Head Goddess at http://www.MountainGoddessUnplugged.com

Survivors! On May 1!

Wednesday
9:00am until 10:00am

I am so humbled to be interviewed on my book, my story and of my story is in many ways yours. I hope you respond, call in write in to the station letting them know how very important this conversation is. IF we can talk about Child Abuse, Child Rape, we can stop it. It has to begin somewhere! Let it begin with you and with me!

http://www.ijpr.org/onlineaudio2.asp?SectionID=1012&programId=11

Live Call-In show: Jefferson Public Radio (NPR) Over 1 million listeners! What an Opportunity for SURVIVORS to be heard! Please share even if you are not going! Show the media that you do care about Child Abuse Issues by sharing and inviting you friends!

To listen on your Media device, Follow the link and on the left side Click on Listen live…. May 1, 9AM Pacific Time Geoffrey Riley Host/Producer Interview w/ Annie O’Sullivan, Author, Can you Hear Me Now?

or…. on your radio:

KSJK AM 1230
Talent
KAGI AM 930
Grants Pass
KTBR AM 950
Roseburg
KRVM AM 1280
Eugene
KSYC AM 1490
Yreka
KMJC AM 620
Mt. Shasta
KPMO AM 1300
Mendocino
KJPR AM 1330
Redding
KNHM FM 91.5 FM
Bayside/Eureka

WHERE IS THE PROOF?

books deb a

I often time will talk with someone online that is is crisis while holding onto hope that they will get in to see a professional before doing something terribly destructive to themselves.

I was recently speaking with a woman who spent the evening before contemplating driving her vehicle off a bridge into the ocean. I ask why? Because there is too much pain! and she cries.

Her family is in denial that a relative could possibly have done what she accused him of. She has physical, deforming damage that a doctor has verified and still they call her a terrible terrible person and a liar.

The same woman has a boyfriend who has beaten her for the last three years. I ask, Why do you stay? She says, Because it is all I deserve, no one else loves me.

No one loves me.
I don’t deserve it.
I hate my life.
Everyone is mad at me.
I’m Stupid, clumsey, fat, ugly, too skinny, too________ fill in the adjective here with any negative you can come up with and a survivor has thought it.

It is the child’s thoughts that are bubbling to the surface not the adults and it is outrageously confusing. All those feelings and thoughts are causing the pain to return from the past. It isn’t based in life today, but we can’t separate it without some help.

I was reminded of the most important 4 words my counselor gave me to work these emotions out. WHERE IS THE PROOF?

Ahhhh gotcha didn’t I? The question is not where is the proof of your accusation, you know what happened to you!

The question is, Where is the proof that you are stupid? Where is the proof that you are undeserving? Where is the proof that no one loves you? is mad at you? etc…

There is no proof of any of those things… You are not alone and there is proof of that as well. ~~ Annie