I WAITED! (trigger warning)

book cover (2)

I recently moved and,  like anyone else who has ever moved, I came a cross a box I had forgotten about.  Before I knew it I was lost in the past;  reading and reading and reading and remembering.  I sat there a couple of hours later shaking my head at a past that should never have happened to me or to anyone else. This time though I am reading it as a mere observer and I give many, many thanks to many years of good counseling and therapist and hard work  for the ability to do that.  It was still painful.  I still felt the loss of a childhood I never had.  It was not the trigger it would have been a few years ago.

Therapy notes, letters, and many written words that never made it into my book, Can You Hear Me Now?  made a surprise appearance in my garage that day! Just as the past makes its surprise appearance for survivors of child sexual abuse, physical abuse, and yes even war veterans everywhere.  Post traumatic stress is for children too.

There are approximately 315 million people in the United States and  approximately 95 MILLION of them are adults “abused” as children.  There are an unspeakable number of children experiencing what you are about to read.  Children live this for years.  Can you really turn away because it is too difficult to see? Hear? Acknowledge and say…  NO MORE! I guarantee you looked at a child this week who is living with sexual abuse.  I guarantee you looked at an adult who is sexually abusing a child.  Did you recognize them?  You would be surprised at who they are.

This was written many years ago in counseling when I could not bring myself to talk aloud about my own life.  I think it’s worth sharing.

I WAITED!

I waited in the dark.  I feign sleep terrified of what the darkness will bring to me.  I waited for the hushed viciousness of a voice that is no longer human to my ears.  I waited for the face that becomes grotesque and monstrous in the dark. I waited, for hands that will crawl over my body like the slime of snakes and worms and rot.   I consider poking my eyes out so that I can’t see when it comes into my room.  I know it will come.  I waited in the dark like a hunted animal sweating and shivering.  It’s not cold. It’s summer.

I can’t scream out for help as I hear more than see the door knob turn.  I try but it dies, dry in my throat, not even a croak.  And then, stealthy, it comes to me.  I wait knowing there is no escape.  I wait knowing there will be pain.  I wait knowing no one cares.  I wait knowing no one can stop this. I waited while it chuckles quietly at my compliance.

Now I wait for the screaming I hear in my head to stop.

We all wait for that.

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TELLING IS HEALING, by Guest Malisia McKinney

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I’ve often felt sadden when I heard of stories of men and women whom were physically and or sexually abused as children. I never considered the courage it took to come forward until I began to face the reality of my own childhood. At 34 my memories and the trauma from the abuse caught up with me. The world I had built for everyone to see started to crash and I could no longer pretend. I read stories about survivors because, in fact, I was one of them. Those stories were a link to a world I tried to keep secret,but, within those articles I found a little of myself in the story of each man and woman. Each story brought me closer to letting myself out of the cage my abusers had placed me in.

From the beginning the abuser gives us a crash course in keeping THEIR secret and what might happen if we tell . I was sexually and physically abused by my mother and other family members. My mother use to say to me, “If you tell anyone they will take you away and kill you. They will believe your evil and (you) made me do it! I grew up thinking people would hate me if I told.

When we hold the secrets of abuse it pours out to many aspects of our lives. For example. I was very distant in my relationships and often found myself alone.  This was due to holding in such deep emotional pain I was unable to give to anyone else. All my efforts were spent trying to just hold myself together.

I remember the first time I told. I was shaking on the inside and wondered if my world would end.  In fact, my world did end! My posture changed! I no longer had severe headaches! The world my abuser built for me came down and I slowly crawled out from the rubble. I began to grow into who I was meant to be before the abuse shadowed everything in my life. The best thing I have done for myself was come forward with my abuser’s secrets.

I stress the fact the secrets don’t belong to us. We did nothing wrong.

The abuser forms the bond of secrecy by making us believe we caused the abuse and/or we should protect them if we love them. I’m now 39 and looking back I see great change.  When I told my truth, my story and released myself from my abuser’s secrets I have grown into the woman I was meant to be.  I have been able to have a relationship for the first time.

Telling is healing. As long as I held the secrets I was unable to have emotions in fear all that I was holding in might burst out. The hardest thing for me was not loving another,but being loved. I didn’t believe I deserved to be loved like everyone else. I can honestly say 4 years after telling for the first time, I am able to receive love. As I write this tears of humbleness roll down my face.  At 39 for the first time I was able to lay my head in the lap of the one I love and sleep. It felt like the first real sleep I ever had. Being a survivor of abuse you struggle with being able to trust, that’s why it is so important to find a healthy support system. No, it’s not going to be easy, but I promise the outcome is worth the effort. If you at first don’t get what you need when you disclose the abuse keep telling until you find those who will listen.

It’s so important to have our pain validated because for so long we had to pretend it wasn’t happening to survive. Remember you are not alone there is a group of courageous men and women survivors on the same journey who will gladly take your hand and lead you out of that cage. We spent our childhood carrying someone else’s secrets and lies,but as adults we can unpack what doesn’t belong to us and embrace life on our terms without fear.            Malisia McKinney October 2014

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?!

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It’s hard to find inspiration and feel good words sometimes.  So tonight I am just going to talk to you about real life. Happening right now. Today! I am going to talk to you from my heart and hope you hear me. Just like my book, Can You Hear Me Now?  I and those like me want to be heard.  Stories like this one I’m going to share remind me of that need to be heard and why.

I recently heard from a very good friend and it was not good news.  The story is not uncommon.  The story is indeed an outrage! I want to share it with you.  I want you to get mad and call your congressman, senator and other person who cares about your votes.

A 15-year-old girl tells her Aunt and Uncle that her Mother and guardian are beating her and selling her to men.  She has bruises.  Old and new.  She doesn’t want to go home. Would you? She is ready to tell anyone who will listen and help her.  This is the oldest problem.  Her Mother and guardian are furious.  A police officer that she tried to tell says “Do you really want to get your Momma into trouble?”  I could scream in anger myself!  Why is it this childs fault her “Momma” is going to be in trouble?  So they send her home.  Or try to.  She won’t go.  She runs off back to the Aunts house.  Why?  If she goes home now they will beat her for telling.  This is a given.  Not they might beat her.  THEY WILL BEAT HER!

Her aunt is calling authorities for help.  She is warned, you could be charged with parental interference, and harboring a runaway.  The local phone numbers she can call for an emergency of this type (child abuse) is only open 8am to 5pm.  They suggest that the child needs to go home.

I was this kid.  No hope of getting out.  Suicide was never far from my thoughts as a way out.  I feared for my life most days.  Though I was a terrible student, school was a haven where I could be happy for a few hours.  A reprieve from my realities at home. I would run away.  Authorities would drag me home without question.  It’s an uncomfortable question isn’t it?  Why are you running?

So many of us work so hard to change the worlds thinking so that children can come forward just like this one did.  She is hitting a wall that protects the very people who are hurting her

WOULD YOU SEND YOUR NIECE HOME?  Lets pretend this is not some young girl you don’t know.  Lets pretend this is some young girl or boy that you love and whom you believe.

There are 319 million people in the United States at last count.  There are approximately (by conservative count) 95 million sexually abused and exploited humans in the United States today.  69 million voted Obama into office in 2008.  We have power to change this.  We have power to not just make new laws but to enforce the ones we have.  There is power in numbers if we can just pull ourselves together and do the common sense thing.  95 million people voting and talking can NOT be ignored.

According to the National Cancer institute  there we 232,670 new cases of breast cancer in 2014.  Every year in the United states there are more than 3 million reports of Child abuse involving over 6 million children.  Breast cancer is considered epidemic and a problem (and it is, I’m not here to bash breast cancer) I’m simply asking you o do the math.

See those pictures?  That’s me standing next to a redwood tree I used to sleep in when I would run away.   See the gruesome cartoon?  That’s me too.  with all the things that went on behind closed doors.  I ran away all the time.  Don’t let kids like this have to run away to escape.

What would you do if this was you the child came to?

What would you do if this was your niece or nephew?

Who will even be sharing this post with a story that is difficult to think about, and harder to ask your friends to think about.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHEN THEY COME TO YOU AND YOU HAVE TO BREAK A LAW TO HELP THEM

What will we all do if you turn away?

SEEK-ASK-KNOCK

Seek and you shall find.

Ask and you shall receive.

Knock the door shall be opened.

This is law!  The Universe is calling to your power.  It calls for you to find your gift in this life.  Ask the question and listen to the answer!

Seek your gift!  Everyone has one.  But you have to seek it, become conscious of it.  Most are asking, how can I make more money, get more things, collect more stuff.  How can I avoid pain?

Instead ask what power is in me?  How can I become more myself?  How can I achieve my potential?

Survivors!!  It is not too late to become aware of the wonders that are inside you once you take the time to look.  You can do it reflecting from the comfort of your sofa.  You can ponder on a walk.  You can discuss it with a trustworthy friend.  Spend just five minutes out of your busy day on this quest for self-enlightenment and empowerment.  You are not the past.  You are the future.

We all have power that we might think was taken away.  We all have a gift that no one told us to look for.

What is yours?

 

We hold everything within ourselves to change our lives…

Profoundly simple and profoundly difficult.  Is it really just an idle thought on a Sunday night?  No! Not at all!

Consider this thought from Andrew Carnegie:

Any idea that is held in the mind, that is either feared, or revered, will begin at once to clothe itself in the most conveinient and appropriate form available….

Key words are feared and revered.  Why are both words key to us as survivors?  As children we feared and indeed revered our abuser(s)   They shaped our beliefs about ourselves. They controlled our belief of ourselves and to survive we clothed ourselves in the most conveinient and appropriate form available.  We also did it out of innocence.

What do you believe today?

It’s good to be back!  Annie

http://www.blogtalkradio.com

 

I WAITED! (trigger warning)

I recently moved and as is common I came a cross a box I had forgotten about.  Before I knew it I found myself lost in the past.  Reading and reading and reading, shaking my head at a past that should never have happened to me or to anyone else. This time though I am reading it as a mere observer and I give many, many thanks to many years of good counseling and therapist and hard work  for the ability to do that.

Therapy notes, letters, and many written words that never made it into my book, Can You Hear Me Now?  made a surprise appearance!

There are approximately 95 MILLION adults abused as children in the United States today.  There is an unspeakable number of children experiencing what you are about to read.  Children live this for years.  Can you really turn away because it is too difficult to see? Hear? Acknowledge and say…  NO MORE!

This was written many years ago in counseling when I could not bring myself to talk aloud about my own life.  I think it’s worth sharing.

Daddy

The “REAL” Daddy

I WAITED!

I waited in the dark.  I feign sleep terrified of what the darkness will bring to me.  I wait for the hushed viciousness of a voice that is no longer human to my ears.  I wait for the face that becomes grotesque and monstrous in the dark. I wait, for hands that will crawl over my body like the slime of snakes and worms and rot.   I consider poking my eyes out so that I can’t see when it comes into my room.  I know it will come.  I wait in the dark like a hunted animal sweating and shivering.  It’s not cold.

I can’t scream out for help as I hear more than see the door knob turn.  I try but it dies, dry in my throat, not even a croak.  And then, stealthy, it comes to me.  I wait knowing there is no escape.  I wait knowing there will be pain.  I wait knowing no one cares.  I wait knowing no one can stop this.

Now I wait for the screaming I hear in my head to stop.

We all wait for that.